I found a bit of freedom in an unexpected place: my closet.

This post isn't about coming to terms with wearing a larger size. It's deeper than that. It's about letting go of identities that no longer fit us.



Clothing is a kind of costume, chosen based on current life role, regardless of comfort, fashion, or suitability to my figure. Sometimes, when those roles change, it's hard to shift out of the costumes... Mom jeans, anyone?

For three years there have been clothes in my closet that scream ID=Pastor's Wife. In my mind, that's what those clothes represent, and today I let those clothes go (still need to go through the shoes, because I now have NO reason to wear heels, so why are they shoved under my bed?).

It's uncomfortable and liberating at the same time. Why? Not because being a "pastor's wife" was bad. (OK, there were huge parts of it that sucked, but it wasn't all bad.) But because my identity should not now, or ever, be wrapped up in my clothing. On a deeper level, my identity shouldn't revolve around being a human DOING or a human DRESSING.

I have a friend who spent time in a mental institution. She kept her "hospital clothes" and pulled them out when she felt herself falling again into the abyss of depression and mental illness. She dressed according to her self-perceived identity. When I realized what she was doing, I scrutinized my own closet. Did I have clothes I put on only when I was depressed or unhappy? I did! I also had "church clothes," and "mommy clothes," and "party clothes." Why didn't I just have clothes that were comfortable and functional, without being fussy?

Anyway, after my closet purge (isn't it weird how you can fill huge trash bags with clothes and still have a full closet?) I'm hoping the garments hanging in my wardrobe will be better representatives of who I am now, not who I wish I was, not who I think I should be, not who I'm trying to be, just who I AM: daughter of God, sister of mankind, wife and lover, mother, grandmother, friend, writer, believer.

The letter "I" had me stumped this week.

 By definition, identity is "what a thing or person is; a name, classification, etc." 

We find our identities by identifying with others around similarities like names (family), gender, age, backgrounds (shared locations and activities), attitudes and opinions (religion, politics, and artistic preferences fall into this category), among any number of other possibilities. The ways in which we define our individual identities are as varied and unusual as we are.

But what happens when your process of identification is skewed? I wept through an entire episode of "What Not to Wear" this week. The fashion victim of the week's entire sense of self-worth was wrapped up in how she looked. No, she wasn't a Barbie-wanna-be, spending hours doing her makeup and hair and agonizing over her wardrobe. She'd gone the other direction... adopting an unflattering uniform of khaki pants and polo shirts and basically ignoring her appearance because she hated how she looked. She'd gained a few pounds, and couldn't assimilate her new shape into her personal identity.

I can relate. Seven years after losing almost 30 pounds (thanks to obsessive calorie-counting and exercise) I've managed to gain half of that back in the last year. Chalk it up to stress, age, whatever... I'm still well within a "healthy" weight and BMI. I'm still exercising consistently. But I've lost the OCD-type of willpower it took to measure out 10 grams of chocolate chips and call it dessert. I've lost the urge to avoid foods like scrambled eggs and cheese and movie popcorn under the quest for "skinny."

Christina Hendricks... beautiful!

I reached skinny, you see... at least according to friends and family. I got down to a weight my husband and children labeled "skeletal" and my physician warned "do not lose any more weight." But I still wasn't satisfied. I still didn't feel "good" about myself. Today, despite the "you look great!" comments from friends and family about my softer, rounder figure, I'm still struggling. It's an identity crisis, and it has nothing to do with what I weigh or how I look in the mirror.

The crisis comes from deep within. Whether I slap on a "skinny" label or a "fat" label, or any other label, the crisis is rooted in a lack of self-acceptance. Basically, I don't like "me." Ouch. Managing the externals — weight, hair, clothing, makeup — is like taking Tylenol to control chronic pain... a temporary solution at best.

I'm supposed to find my identity in Christ, I know. In spite of my shortcomings, flaws, and failures,  He loves me, accepts me, adopted me, receives me, rejoices over me... and yet I dislike myself. How rude of me! In my opinion, it's a heck of a lot easier to accept and offer grace and mercy and kindness to someone else than it is to offer the same to myself.

I keep thinking: What if I just let myself BE? What if I ate what I wanted, exercised as I pleased, and let the fat molecules fall where they may? Is that so terrible? Is that a sin? What if I wind up curvy and fluffy (with short hair, to boot!)? What if I have to buy new clothes to accommodate my new size? Would that be so bad?

And then, in the grand scheme of things, does any of that really matter, anyway?

{There are hundreds, probably thousands, of bloggers around the globe participating in  30-day challenges where you post about something every day for thirty days. For most, it's a way to jumpstart the creative juices, to get into a daily habit of writing. For me (yes, I'm joining the bandwagon) it's a way to document my program for repair and renewal — spirit, soul, and body.}

Today I picked up my second copy (I gave the first one away... Note to self: Do not give away books that have transformed your life unless you already have another copy at hand.) of Bill Epperhart's Correct Change Required. This book carried me through one of the most difficult times I can remember, motivated me to complete my first full fiction manuscript, AND helped me lose more than 20 pounds. And it's not just a poundage issue ... Epperhart's subtitle is "Becoming Who You Really Want to Be." Who doesn't want THAT?

As I've regained about 10 of those pounds in the last six months or so; have multiple writing projects started, but nothing completed; and am at a time when I really need to redefine myself because the old ID doesn't fit anymore, I ordered another copy of Epperhart's book.

Day One:

"Most people lead lives of quiet desperation." ~Thoreau

If you are too far removed from your own angst to grasp this concept, go to Walmart and check out  your fellow consumers. Walmart (and Target, and Starbucks, and every church, restaurant, resort, and shopping mall) are full of people trapped in Thoreau's description of "quiet desperation." They might be:

Desperate to save their marriage or other relationship.
Desperate to make their financial ends meet.
Desperate to regain their health.
Desperate to find peace and joy and satisfaction.


There are only two responses to desperation: apathy or change. You either continue to accept the way things are as your fate in life, or you choose a course of change. Imagine yourself as a caterpillar...
Too fat to eat another bite, so heavy with what you've already consumed you run the risk of falling right off the next leaf into oblivion, all the while knowing you are called to something better, something MORE.

Change happens to us all. Sometimes it's forced upon us by circumstance in the form of tragedy, trauma, or other people's choices. Sometimes we're tricked into it by a combination of internal and external pressures. Often, change is just a product of our temporal existence in this realm. But above and beyond all of those is proactive change: the kind of change that brings about a desired result. It comes when we choose to change and follow through with those new choices to the desired result.

• Easy? Not even.  As someone has said, "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it."
• Essential? Only if you have that hunger for something better and higher than what you're experiencing.
• Available? Absolutely. You are a child of the Most High God, designed in His creative image and given a free will so powerful you can even make choices that are self-destructive (you know that, you've made some of them already). 

For today, ask yourself the following:

1. What change(s) do I desire to make in my life?
2. Am I willing to die to old ways of thinking, believing, and doing in order to make those desired changes happen?

Some of you are clinging to the past—past hurts, losses, griefs, victories, or self-destructive methods and patterns of life. Others are clutching at present circumstances, painful though they may be, unwilling to release situations, roles, relationships, etc., in order to move on to the next phase of your existence. As one who has played the game both ways, may I encourage you? Don't wait until change is forced upon you by the "sands of time in the hourglass," begin NOW to make the changes you most desire to make.

More on the process tomorrow!

"As Jesus left the house, he was followed by two blind men crying out, 'Mercy, Son of David! Mercy on us!' When Jesus got home, the blind men went in with him. Jesus said to them, 'Do you really believe I can do this?' They said, 'Why, yes, Master.'
He touched their eyes and said, 'Become what you believe.' It happened. They saw."

Maybe I like this story because I'm legally blind without correction. In other words, without contact lenses or glasses, I'm blind as the proverbial bat. (Worse, because I don't even have sonar.) But what really struck me were the words attributed to Jesus, "Become what you believe."

In other versions and translations, His words read: "According to your faith, be it unto you." Simple, yes? But "become what you believe" is even simpler. It addresses the very root of our being.

What do you believe about yourself? 


Are you sick, weak, or worthless? Broke? A loser? Inept? A failure? Is that what you believe? Then that's what you'll become, according to the words of the Christ.

Our believing (faith) affects every aspect of our lives: spirit, soul and body. Like it or not, believing is based on what we hear/have heard (Rom. 10:17). Listen to the morning news for a few days and you'll have plenty of opportunities to reject opportunities to believe things about yourself.

The world system would have us accept whatever it says. God's system would have us accept what
HE has said about us.

I wrote "become what you believe" on an index card and clipped it to my desktop organizer. Why?
Because I haven't arrived yet. There are a multitude of things I believe God has called me to that I have yet to accomplish, and I'm continually uncovering lies that have been presented to me which I have to reject and turn away from in order to fulfill God's plan.

What about you? If Jesus looked you in the eye and said, "Become what you believe," what image or action would come alive in your heart? 

See all those "eyes" in my picture? I'm multifaceted. Like you. Like God.

Do you ever struggle to identify yourself to new people? You can only introduce one aspect of who you are at a time. For example, here at In Truer Ink, I'm a writer. I write blog posts. Among other things. But that's only part of who I am. Sometimes it can be really difficult if someone only knows one aspect of you to encounter that person when you are in some other facet of life. Like when you see a teacher outside of school, or the day you realize your parents have a relationship with each other that has nothing to do with raising you and your siblings. Sometimes it's hard to remember that other people are just as multi-faceted as we are!

So to introduce myself, which "I" gets revealed? Some people might meet your business I. Others meet your family I or your hobby I or your vacation I. And then there are all those past I's ... the childhood I, the high school I, the junior high I, the college I, the newlywed I... That's a LOT of I's to get to know in one brief blog post! Instead, here's a list of some of my favorite things that begin with the letter "I."

1. Imagination
2. Ink, esp. India ink.
3. Icing
4. Idiosyncrasy
5. Invisibility
6. Incense
7. Income
8. Inchworms
9. Indigo
10. Ivy
11. Introversion
12. Italy
13. Isolationism
14. Ireland
15. Inspiration
16. Idioms
17. Industriousness
18. Insects (except mosquitoes)
19. Ingenuity
20. Indoors

(BTW, "I" is a very difficult letter to make lists from!)

For more blogging fun From A2Z4U and Me, click the link or the picture below!

If I were an apron, what kind of apron I would be?

At the close of Wednesday's post, I described my favorite apron - a sturdy, plain Jane denim bib style. It's comfortable and practical, like a well-worn pair of blue jeans. It's a good apron - low maintenance, simple, predictable. There's nothing wrong with it, but...
If my apron is a symbolic extension of my domestic authority and ability, an expression of my style at home as wife and mother and homemaker, does this apron define me?
Honest answer: probably.
Does it define who I want to be?
Not really.

How many of us have fallen into outward expressions that don't quite match who we are on the inside? Whether it's hairstyle or home decor; the kind of car we drive or our daily apparel... does what's on the outside match the soul and spirit within?

Watch any episode of What Not To Wear on TLC and you'll hear the guests say, "But it's comfortable," to defend the fashion faux pas that landed them in style intervention. I would argue the word they really mean is "safe."

We all do it, either to preserve or attain the approval of others, or simply for the sake of convenience and ease, we make safe, predictable choices. Have you ever longed for a lipstick-red sofa, but opted for the dirt-brown one with the built-in cupholders?
Do you pore over magazine makeover layouts and dream of having the guts to try a hairstyle you admire, even though no one in your social circle would dare to wear their hair that way? Have you ever read stories of men and women who've done great things that glorify God and bless mankind, and wished you had enough guts to step out in faith like that?

I have this horrible feeling my apron is just one place where I've compromised myself for the sake of safety and comfort and convenience. "But," you may be thinking, "that's such a small thing, does it really matter?" Maybe, maybe not. But, that apron is a place to make a small step forward, a small step toward expressing myself not according to what I do, but according to who I am.



How about you?