I found a bit of freedom in an unexpected place: my closet.

This post isn't about coming to terms with wearing a larger size. It's deeper than that. It's about letting go of identities that no longer fit us.



Clothing is a kind of costume, chosen based on current life role, regardless of comfort, fashion, or suitability to my figure. Sometimes, when those roles change, it's hard to shift out of the costumes... Mom jeans, anyone?

For three years there have been clothes in my closet that scream ID=Pastor's Wife. In my mind, that's what those clothes represent, and today I let those clothes go (still need to go through the shoes, because I now have NO reason to wear heels, so why are they shoved under my bed?).

It's uncomfortable and liberating at the same time. Why? Not because being a "pastor's wife" was bad. (OK, there were huge parts of it that sucked, but it wasn't all bad.) But because my identity should not now, or ever, be wrapped up in my clothing. On a deeper level, my identity shouldn't revolve around being a human DOING or a human DRESSING.

I have a friend who spent time in a mental institution. She kept her "hospital clothes" and pulled them out when she felt herself falling again into the abyss of depression and mental illness. She dressed according to her self-perceived identity. When I realized what she was doing, I scrutinized my own closet. Did I have clothes I put on only when I was depressed or unhappy? I did! I also had "church clothes," and "mommy clothes," and "party clothes." Why didn't I just have clothes that were comfortable and functional, without being fussy?

Anyway, after my closet purge (isn't it weird how you can fill huge trash bags with clothes and still have a full closet?) I'm hoping the garments hanging in my wardrobe will be better representatives of who I am now, not who I wish I was, not who I think I should be, not who I'm trying to be, just who I AM: daughter of God, sister of mankind, wife and lover, mother, grandmother, friend, writer, believer.

1950's

Most of my writer-type friends write historical romance. As such, their Pinterest pages are filled with fashion examples from various eras for the purpose of properly costuming their characters. Scrolling through those pages during this month of convalescence (with my laptop carefully situated on a pillow away from my abdominal incision) I've come to a conclusion: modern-day women's fashion is not fair to the female figure.


Perhaps I'm finding this particularly frustrating right now because my post-surgery body has required me to limit my wardrobe to loose sundresses. And based on the "swelly belly" that shows up every afternoon, and the weird flap of skin that hangs over my incision when I stand up, I will be wearing these waistless, formless, shapeless items of clothing for the foreseeable future. Although apparently the look can be quite trendy, based on this picture from New York's fashion week.


OK, yes, that outfit would disguise any number of body flaws...

So here's my wish... I wish for the day when we can all look at ALL kinds of fashions, from different eras, and choose the styles that work with our individual body types. And then we'd be able to find those styles at the store and wear them out in public without looking like we're on our way to a Civil War re-enactment or a Halloween party. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

What would be your fashion-era of choice? The one that would make you feel good about yourself and about your physique instead of hating half your parts and pieces? I'm torn between the 1950's hourglass and something along these lines... Can't you see me at the grocery store in this outfit?

No one has ever accused me of being brave. I've been called a chicken, a coward, a scaredy-cat, and so on, since I was small. Not brave.

thesaurus.com

I love to travel, hate to fly. Love to drive, afraid of snowy roads. Love amusement parks, afraid to ride the rides. Love the ocean, afraid of being eaten by a shark. Love the mountains, can't sleep in the woods. Do you get the idea?

Sunday morning I was getting ready for church, scrounging through my closet and thinking about ideas from YouLookFab, a blog I enjoy. The author, IMHO, is cool. She's bold, confident, not afraid to have an opinion or expose herself to the opinions of others. I pulled some things off the rack and tossed them on the bed. Very stylish. Very fab.  

But what would people think?
(That voice in my head would be the infamous internal editor writers deal with. In my case, the wench goes everywhere with me, all the time. Have you ever tried to cook dinner with an internal editor yammering at you?)

I put the clothes back in the closet and started a new search for something a bit less exciting. Helena Bonham Carter popped into my head.

photo by Verleihnix viaPhotoRee

This woman is BRAVE. Not just with her wild wardrobe choices, she's brave as a performer. I mean, in the past few years I've seen her in Harry Potter as a creepy witch with an awesome name (if I had another girl, I'd want to name her Bellatrix), puffed up as the mean and nasty Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland, and helping Johnny Depp make people pies in Sweeney Todd. And then she turns right around and plays Queen Elizabeth in The King's Speech. That's brave.

• Brave isn't just about clothing choices. It's everything. It's not being afraid to speak to a stranger, not being afraid to make a friend, not being afraid to bring correction when correction is due. 
• Brave is facing adversity with strength and courage, not woe-is-me whining and sniveling. 
• Brave is following your heart without second-guessing every choice, always looking over your shoulder to see what everyone thinks about it. 
• Brave is creating art (music, writing, film, whatever) that crosses lines, exposes truth, and forces people to think about their lives and the way they live them, whether they like it or not. 
• Brave is taking a stand for an unpopular cause, doing what's right because it's right, not because it earns you anything. 

There's a brave person trapped inside this body, and she wants out.
But first I'm going to have to figure out a way to do away with that internal editor...

If I were an apron, what kind of apron I would be?

At the close of Wednesday's post, I described my favorite apron - a sturdy, plain Jane denim bib style. It's comfortable and practical, like a well-worn pair of blue jeans. It's a good apron - low maintenance, simple, predictable. There's nothing wrong with it, but...
If my apron is a symbolic extension of my domestic authority and ability, an expression of my style at home as wife and mother and homemaker, does this apron define me?
Honest answer: probably.
Does it define who I want to be?
Not really.

How many of us have fallen into outward expressions that don't quite match who we are on the inside? Whether it's hairstyle or home decor; the kind of car we drive or our daily apparel... does what's on the outside match the soul and spirit within?

Watch any episode of What Not To Wear on TLC and you'll hear the guests say, "But it's comfortable," to defend the fashion faux pas that landed them in style intervention. I would argue the word they really mean is "safe."

We all do it, either to preserve or attain the approval of others, or simply for the sake of convenience and ease, we make safe, predictable choices. Have you ever longed for a lipstick-red sofa, but opted for the dirt-brown one with the built-in cupholders?
Do you pore over magazine makeover layouts and dream of having the guts to try a hairstyle you admire, even though no one in your social circle would dare to wear their hair that way? Have you ever read stories of men and women who've done great things that glorify God and bless mankind, and wished you had enough guts to step out in faith like that?

I have this horrible feeling my apron is just one place where I've compromised myself for the sake of safety and comfort and convenience. "But," you may be thinking, "that's such a small thing, does it really matter?" Maybe, maybe not. But, that apron is a place to make a small step forward, a small step toward expressing myself not according to what I do, but according to who I am.



How about you?  

Aprons are coming into fashion. Serious fashion.



Do you have a favorite apron in your current selection? Why is it your favorite?

My favorite is an over-the-head denim job I picked at a thrift store. No pockets, very plain and simple heavy blue denim. I love it because it doesn't show stains, it fits (I don't have to tie the neck loop in a knot to make it short enough) and it actually blocks spills from getting through to my clothes. It's utilitarian, practical, efficient... boring! I hate to admit this, but it describes my work in the kitchen for the last two decades of child-rearing. I think it's time for a change... tune in Friday!

Meanwhile, check out some of the following sites for fun apron inspiration.