Glasses can't fix this

I've got a perception problem. One thousands, maybe tens of thousands, of other women share.
No matter what I weigh, no matter my BMI or percentage of body fat, I never feel thin, skinny, or slender for more than a few seconds at a time.

Chalk it up to those formative years spent in ballet classes, or media pressure in magazines, TV, and movies. Blame my fear of becoming morbidly obese like several of my family members. Call it a brain dysfunction or whatever you will ... it is a point of perpetual suffering and torment. (Note: 6 years ago, I lost 25+ pounds through a combination of calorie restriction and exercise.)

This used to be sexy.

Since my grandson was born at the end of April, I've packed on somewhere between 5-8 pounds. My weight is still well within the healthy/normal range, but I'm struggling. I'm tired of starving myself and tired of battling jealousy and envy when my co-workers eat pizza and I see friends' posts about cupcakes and treats and going out to eat.

And yet, when I go to get dressed and my pants feel tight, I experience momentary panic. NOOOOO.... I can't go back there!

Isn't there a balance? A place of peace when it comes to one's weight and shape and size? I understand how people end up tens, even hundreds of pounds, over their ideal weight. At the same time, I fully comprehend how people can starve themselves down to 70 or 80 pounds, because no matter what you weigh, there's a lower weight to strive for. Crazy? Yep.