"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
That sage advice goes hand-in-hand with "think before you speak" (or type, or text).

Both adages seem to have disappeared from the spectrum of modern human interaction. Comments on social media, blogs, product reviews, news articles, you name it, indicate a serious filter failure between brain and fingers for a wide segment of the population.

I've broken down these groups into three categories: doomers, gloomers, and guilters. While I'm sure I've been guilty myself, I'm purposing to set these nasty behaviors aside.

First, there are the doomers...
This week I stared, aghast, at the comments on a pregnant woman's FB post about the impending birth of her first child. Her "friends" began telling her she was sure to need a Cesarean, that she shouldn't even bother to try labor without an epidural, and that she should expect complications.
Hello? When a woman is getting ready to give birth, please don't share your horrific birth stories. As the mother of four myself, my favorite was the "helpful" woman who told me she'd dreamed I had to birth baby #4 alone in a cabin while snowed in during a blizzard. Um. Not helpful.
The same rule holds true for people who are getting married (don't tell them about your nasty divorce), taking a trip (leave off sharing that story about the stranded cruise ship, the plane crash, or the lost luggage), having surgery (keep your complications to yourself), or generally doing anything. Doomers, I believe, are well-meaning, just misguided. If you tend toward being a doomer, try this: simply wish people well and shut up. If you are genuinely concerned for them, pray. Silently.

And then there are the gloomers...
Closely related to the doomers, these folks like to color everything they see and hear with their own special shade of misery. They shake their heads when you tell them you bought a __________, and then tell you all the ways it's going to fail. These are the people who curse you to a season of sickness because you *gasp* got a flu shot. They're everywhere, the Chicken Littles of the world, the nay-sayers.
Gloomers are also most likely to "share" those scary posts and emails about the impending failure of the government, or how there are contaminated needles in the coin returns on vending machines, or all the possible symptoms of the cancer-of-the-month that you probably have. In their defense, gloomers must feel things very, very deeply, and are probably the least selfish of the three. Are you a gloomer? Try spreading a little sunshine instead, it might just make YOU feel better.


Of the three, my least favorite are the guilters...
Guilters are sneaky, passive-aggressive, and terribly selfish. These are the women who use tears, on purpose, to get their husbands to do what they want. These are the men who pout, or rage, or belittle, until those around them cower and comply. These are the relatives who spend a good percentage of the year traveling, because they have free time and disposable income, and then whine and complain because their adult children won't take time off work, load up their own kids, and travel multiple hours for an obligatory holiday visit.
Guilting people is rude, and it makes them resent you. Don't do it. (By the way, if guilters really bug you, it's probably because you are a people-pleaser, and that's a whole 'nother kind of problem!)

Wouldn't it make for a lovely holiday if all the guilt, doom, and gloom were taken out of the equation?
I'm going to do my part.

My parents are both licensed pilots. A decent-sized chunk of my memory bank is full of aerial views of the mountains and valleys of western Colorado.

I was never a comfortable, relaxed flier. The emergency beacon that sat beside me in the back seat of the plane served as a constant reminder for my vivid imagination of all the possible reasons we might need an emergency beacon.

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I did, however, enjoy takeoff and landing. Especially landing. (This could have had something to do with my constant state of heightened anxiety while in the air.)

You've probably heard pilots say "on approach" or "final approach" over the radio. How they approach the runway is crucial to the success of the landing - speed, direction, awareness of wind conditions and visibility, position, altitude, when to drop the landing gear, and so forth.


Every interaction, every encounter, every situation is a kind of landing. Based on our distinct personalities and the combined effect of our past experiences, we form approach habits, and those habits shape our lives.

For example, if someone says, "Hey, Niki, I need to talk to you," I immediately assume I'm in trouble, especially if that someone is in a position of authority. I go into those conversations (landings) on the defensive. My husband, on the other hand, assumes he's about to get a promotion, or he's won a million bucks. His approach is positive. As a result, he comes out of those "landings" with less stress than I do, even when the conversation isn't a pleasant one.

We all have certain ways we approach others, whether it's to address a concern, ask for a favor, or make a complaint. Over the years we develop particular approaches to situations (family gatherings, church services, holidays, politics, etc.). Does every conversation with "that" person, or about "that" subject, turn into a tumbling fireball of horror? Maybe it's time to check your approach. Are you coming in too fast? Too slow? Ignoring external conditions (like the fact your spouse just put in a 10-hour day and is tired and hungry) when you bring up some subject that needs to be addressed? Even animals are smart enough to gauge the temperament of another animal before they approach!

Your approach to a thing may mean the difference between success and failure, peace or strife, joy or dread. If you've got a string of bad landings behind you, try a new way of approaching the matter at hand. You might be surprised how smooth those landings can be.


 

I committed the mother-in-law's cardinal sin. I meddled.
I could justify my meddling. I was, after all, simply concerned for their safety.But justifying behaviors doesn't resolve an offense. Only an apology, given and accepted, can do that. And so I had to humble myself and apologize to my son-in-law yesterday.
Family gatherings, stress over money or health, personality conflicts, misunderstandings, lack of sleep, and too much sugar create the ideal breeding ground for strife and unforgiveness this time of year. Who hasn't left a holiday gathering disappointed, hurt, angry, embarrassed, or otherwise traumatized? It may have been the family member who drank too much and embarrassed him- or herself, or the blowup between mother and daughter about how the grandchildren are being raised, or the subtle (and not-so-subtle) criticisms about your weight or your date.
We all know how it feels to be inadvertently thrown onstage during the annual production  of Christmas family theatrics. But what happens when you realize you're the one who opened the scene? For once, don't justify yourself. Don't defend your right to behave a certain way. Don't try to explain your way out of a sticky spot. Just suck it up and say you're sorry.
'Tis the season of peace. Maintaining the spirit of Christmas isn't  about the gifts you buy, winning the holiday lighting contest, or participating in the Christmas choir. Your part is this: "As far as it is possible with you, be at peace with all men." (And women, and children, and your pets, and those irritating people in front of you in line at Wal-Mart...)
The story of Christmas is of a great and mighty deity who humbled himself to come to earth for the sake of "peace and good will toward men."
Take a cue from the Christmas carol that says, "he's making a list, and checking it twice..." Make your list, and see if you need to humble yourself and offer any apologies this holiday season, in honor of the Prince of Peace.