As we approach the end of the year, I'm taking a few moments to see where I was twelve months ago, and to compare where I am now. My three words for 2013 were RELEASE, ACCEPT, and ENGAGE. (Click the links to see the original posts.)

In a nutshell, those words meant releasing mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual baggage; accepting circumstances, people, and situations with peace and from a place of contentment; and engaging in life to the full, instead of withdrawing. 

I thought I knew, or at least had a decent idea, what was going on when I "got" those words, but as it turns out, God was looking ahead and (surprise!) knew more than I did about what was coming.

I knew I needed to release old wounds and hurts. I didn't know part of that process would involve releasing my entire reproductive system to major surgery.

I knew I needed to accept things, instead of fighting and resisting and battling every circumstance and situation. I've got a LIST of things I had to accept with grace and peace this year, from my oldest son's decision to attend "freak show school" to my new "belly shelf" and a much-longer-than-anticipated healing process, to depending on others and not being able to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  

I knew I needed to engage in new activities, but I couldn't have imagined the form that would take; from revived friendships and relationships, to a new interest in Reiki (more on that coming soon), to finding a new level of spiritual peace in, of all places, a Catholic Mass (more on that coming, too); to engaging with a group of like-minded writers after taking one small step of faith (OK, two steps... I made it to a conference AND spoke up and asked a question.). Much to my surprise, the word I was most fearful of at the beginning of last year turned out to be the word that had the greatest positive impact.    

2013 has been a year of stretching... releasing, accepting, engaging... that's stretching, after all. Stretching is not comfortable. It's hard and painful, but it bears incredible, amazing fruit!

#1: RELEASE. Letting go of old mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical baggage that hinders, causes "drag," and generally gunks up life. Things like worry, fear, offense, anger, unforgiveness, bad habits, and so forth, are all things that need to be released. As fellow writer Patty Wysong wrote in a recent post, "You know how it is when you have to pry something forcibly out of a child’s hand? Well, that was me. And I know better. Much better. But God is faithful and merciful. And ever-so loving. Last week I unfisted my hand. As my fingers extended, relief, peace and great joy came flooding back." 
Let it go, you'll be glad you did.

Bill Murray in "What About Bob?"

#2: ACCEPT. As I wrote in my last post, this may well be the most difficult of the three assignments for me. What is the opposite of accept? To reject, refuse, deny, denounce, repudiate. Sure, there are plenty of things that come our way that we should refuse and reject. Abuse, oppression, tyranny, manipulation, intimidation, none of those things are "acceptable" in any form. But if you're like me, and you find that you are perpetually in "fight or flight" mode about everything, then learning the art of acceptance is wise and will bring peace to your embattled soul. (There will be more on ACCEPT in the months to come. I'm taking baby steps. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.)

#3: ENGAGE. 
I tried to get God to change this to "embrace" or some other nice, soft, fluffy word. But, no.
"Engage?" I asked, "What's engage?"
And I remembered this...
Really, Lord? How come I'm back to the whole "fighting" analogy here? Wasn't that what I was trying to get beyond with ACCEPT?

First, to engage, used as a verb, means:

www.dictionary.com

Why the Top Gun reference? Because Maverick (if you remember the movie) had suffered a tremendous loss and the subsequent sense of failure and shame kept him from "engaging" in combat (or even in training) when he needed to. That nagging sense of self-doubt and the all-too-natural desire to protect oneself from hurt will cause paralysis if it isn't conquered. Even after we RELEASE and ACCEPT, when a similar situation presents itself, our natural response is to shy away from it in self-preservation. 

If you've been hurt by people, you don't want to get involved with them again. If you've suffered a rejection or a failure, you shy away from that activity instead of occupying yourself with it. For example, after my 8th grade humiliation during the gymnastics unit in P.E. class, I never approached a gymnastics vault again. I slipped on the springboard (because I was wearing socks, because all the "cool" girls were wearing socks instead of going barefoot), and I slid under the vault, reappearing on the other side, on my butt. No more gymnastics for me. It's funny to look back on today (and, I'm sure, was quite amusing to watch at the time) but what if I'd been called to be a gymnast?  

Failure to engage becomes a real problem when an activity or environment are part of your God-given gifts and calling. Suddenly you're a fighter pilot who can't fire, a writer who can't write, an artist who can't paint, a lawyer who can't argue a case, a doctor who's afraid to make a diagnosis or write a prescription, or a mailman too afraid to deliver the mail for fear of being bit by a cranky dog. 

Too many withdrawals, too many episodes of drawing back, and eventually we're just existing, afraid of our own shadows, "going through the motions" without engaging in anything. We're there, but we're not there. Being all there is the ultimate goal of the third step. Whether we're at play, at rest, or at work, I don't believe God wants us to merely exist. Jesus put it quite plainly: 

Some of the things in which we will need to ENGAGE aren't going to be pretty, or pleasant. You might need to engage in physical activity, and that's not comfortable. You might need to engage in improving your relationship with your spouse, which might be awkward. You might need to engage in a new business venture, or just engage in conquering your mountain of laundry or hill of dirty dishes or heap of debts. Ouch. But when we practice engaging, even with things that aren't fun or enjoyable, I believe we'll find that day to day life becomes richer and more satisfying than we ever imagined it could be.

Don't just exist, engage! 

"Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward — to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."
Phil 3:13-14 (from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)

Step two — ACCEPT — is new to me. 

Some of us are born striving, I think. From the moment we leave the womb (and maybe before, I'd have to ask my mom) we're striving, battling, warring, and resisting. It's like being born on the wrong side of an alternate universe. Where my husband, for example, hears birds singing and sees the beauty of the view, I hear birds shrieking and see a landscape fraught with danger. Vehicle breakdowns and household appliance failures are guaranteed to throw me into a hissy fit/pity party of dramatic proportions. When a storm blows through, the normal person revels in it. I fight it... not physically, really, but mentally and emotionally (which does have a detrimental effect on the physical, eventually). For the duration of the storm, I'm tense, worried, and edgy. God forbid the electricity should go out. (If you want to see a genuine demonstration of "joy in the Holy Ghost," just wait till power comes back on.) 

I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't at war with something. My budget, my body, my relationships, my thoughts, my appetites, my career, the seasons, my prayer life, my worship time, my exercise routine ... you name it, I've tried striving with it. I've resisted the devil, applied the PUSH principle (Pray Until Something Happens), and used every known weapon in my spiritual arsenal against everything from mosquito bites to low church attendance numbers to financial lack. 

So when I approached the Lord in prayer about a plan for 2013, and heard Him say "ACCEPT" to my spirit, I hesitated. Accept? Accept what? After a lifetime of fighting and resisting, I'm supposed to accept my circumstances? My situations? ACCEPT THEM? Really?

Yep.

Because until we accept things as they are, accept the circumstances we're in, accept our condition, we're helpless... unable to receive help. 

Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the serenity prayer...

Contrary to some doctrines, there ARE things that cannot be changed. Eek.

Just admitting that feels like ripping off a Band-Aid. 

But at the same time, I know it's true.

There are mountains that aren't meant to be moved.

Some things have to be accepted.

Ugh.

Oh, I'm really not good at this. It took me 38 years to accept my stick-straight hair, and now God's asking me to ACCEPT that cars break down, and winter weather comes, and my children and husband don't always do what I want them to do, and my boobs will always be bigger than I want them to be (yeah, I know, it's a weird problem, but it IS a problem), and no matter how much money we make it will never be "enough" — when "enough" is defined according to the world's standards.

Add to that all the other stuff we're bombarded with daily (politics, disasters, war, famine, plague, etc.) and those horrible commercials about abused and abandoned children and animals all over the world who need to be adopted, and suddenly ACCEPTANCE becomes a monumental challenge of faith.

But after watching my toddler grandson push himself into a full blown tantrum because he cannot fit all of his Hot Wheels cars in his pocket, I realize ACCEPTANCE is a huge step toward the kind of spiritual maturity I desire. As an adult, I can see that no matter how many cars he can shove in his pocket, ALL the cars are still his. I could make his pocket bigger, but then his pants would look, and fit, funny. What he needs to do is accept the fact that only a certain number of cars fit in his pocket. Try explaining that to a 1-1/2 year old.

Ouch.

Can I learn to accept snowstorms that arrive just when I need to travel? Malfunctioning appliances on holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions? Can I accept minor illnesses that actually serve to build and strengthen the immune system? Can I accept my semi-adult children, no matter what they're doing, and continue to trust God to see them through to His perfect will? Can I accept  the fact it may take years to dig out from under the credit card debt we've accrued, and that while we're digging out, we won't have the money to go "play" like everyone else does? Can I accept my body the way it was designed and configured, even though I got "curvy" instead of "lean"? 

That, my friends, is my Step Two assignment. Every day presents new opportunities to ACCEPT something instead of hating, rebuking, resisting, and warring against it. In the last three days of 2013 I've had kid #3's 2 a.m. New Year's Eve flat tire, kid #3's New Year's Day $75 ticket for a cracked windshield, and today SIL's car malfunction. Grr. (NOTE: My non-accepting self's response is to lock kid #3 in a closet for the duration of his 18th and 19th years of life. Not an option, not really.)

No. No growling. ACCEPT.

I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.
Phil 4:12-13 (from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)

Why? Because there is NOTHING I can do about these things. Working myself up into a frenzy of stress and fear and worry and anger will do nothing to change the circumstances. Praying and confessing and declaring and rebuking... same result. What's done is done. But until I accept that, I can't receive grace to move forward. It's only when we ACCEPT that we can move forward and ENGAGE, which is step three.

For now, I'm working on accepting, and releasing, and realizing once again that with God, everything is a journey and a process, and that's OK. Acknowledging that there are things that happen life that are outside my plan, outside my will, outside my design, is really a step toward genuine faith and trust in a loving, caring God who sees the end from the beginning.

Working on it...