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You've heard the expression, "your two cents worth," as it relates to your opinion. Or this one, "Opinions are like noses ... everybody has one." And yet, in spite of the ridiculously low value of human opinion, we cling to our own like moss on a rock.
By definition, an opinion is "a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty." One dictionary defines opinions as a personal view, or perspective, of a situation. In a court of law, an opinion, even an "expert" one, rarely counts as anything more than circumstantial evidence.
Like you, I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things; from sports, to music, to fashion, and from politics, to religion, to the weather. Most of the time, I think my opinions are pretty important. I've even been known to argue occasionally about the validity of my opinion.
But are my opinions important enough to me that I will pay to protect them? I'm not talking about paying with money, I'm talking about paying with something far more valuable - relationships.
Now before you get all a-quiver and start contemplating your comments, this isn't about compromising your faith, beliefs, or personal convictions for the sake of pleasing people. I'm talking about being so stuck to your opinion about something (remember, an opinion rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty) that you cut off relationships in order to "prove yourself right."
Like my husband's grandparents, who refused to attend their daughter's wedding because he was Methodist and she was Catholic. Nearly 50 years later, my husband's parents are still scarred from the experience. What did their firm stand on denominational-correctness accomplish? It drove their daughter AND son-in-law out of church completely. Kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Maybe I should rename my blog "The Fine Line" because it seems like I keep coming back to the same point. As Christians, we must differentiate between God's view of right and wrong and man-made sin. There are a lot of topics that are "gray" in the Bible that religion has turned into absolute doctrine.
I mean, the Bible says NOTHING about smoking. But it says a lot about gluttony. Which is worse? Good question.
The Bible says NOTHING about versions and translations of the Bible. Yet churches and families are split over KJV-only opinions.
My oldest son has long hair and an earring. He looks like a rebel. Occasionally he acts like one, too! He is frequently judged by others based on his outward appearance, which is to be expected, because that's how natural man operates. But he also writes and plays Christian music, is on our worship team, honors his parents, and loves God.
Do I like how he's choosing to adorn himself outwardly at this time? Not really. I'd like for him to be a prep (if he reads this he'll scream), because I think he'd be cute in chinos and a polo shirt. I like him better with short hair (Yes, I DO know the scriptures about hair, male and female. Mine's short, by the way.) and I wish he would wear a color besides black.
Do we occasionally butt heads over things? Yes, but I try to limit those things to stuff where I can lay out at least two or three New Testament scriptures to confirm God's standard of living. I'm not willing to cut off communication with my son, and risk closing his heart to me, over silly things like hairstyle and wardrobe. My opinions are not as valuable to me as my relationship with my son, or the possibility of driving him away from a relationship with God. So sometimes I have to bite my tongue and trust God to deal with him.
Jesus perpetually broke "the rules" to show His unconditional love to others.
According to the religious and cultural opinions of the day, He wasn't even supposed to acknowledge the Samaritan woman at the well - the one who'd had five husbands and was living with another guy - but He did. He neither condemned nor condoned her behavior. He didn't have to, her own heart convicted her. He simply looked at where she was and showed her a better way. And she took it!
Christ's ministry throughout the gospels repeats the same theme with lepers and lunatics and losers of all kinds. I mean, when the naked, crazy guy named Legion comes running toward Jesus on the shores of Galilee, the first thing Jesus does is not try to get him dressed in appropriate churchgoing attire!

Jesus didn't let opinions get in the way of loving people.

Why do we?
(References: John 7:24, Romans 14:13, John 4)

Image by Stewf via Flickr

I watched someone die today.

Image by .faramarz via Flickr

She was murdered.
Her death was captured on video and broadcast from Tehran on YouTube. She was shot during a protest of the Iranian presidential elections. The participation of women in the protests has earned the conflict between citizens and government the nickname "Lipstick Revolution."
I confess, I haven't kept up with the news very well in the past few weeks. I'm not entirely sure what's going on over there. In an effort to keep myself informed about current events, I checked on some news stories on the Internet. I ended up on YouTube, of all places, watching unedited videos of riots and protests posted by Iranian citizens without government (or media) interference.
After the disturbing images disappeared from my screen, I was left with this thought: Will I see her in heaven? Did anyone ever share the gospel of Christ Jesus with her? Did she have an opportunity to know the One who loves her more than life? It wasn't God who killed that young woman. Hatred killed her. Hatred given free rein.
And as I skim through the tweets on Twitter from fellow ministers and believers, and read the posts on Facebook, and clear my e-mail box of all the anti-Obama forwards sent by well-meaning friends and family, my heart trembles for my own nation, and for the body of Christ.
There's a wave of hatred that's been allowed to run rampant in the church, and in our nation. Hatred is hatred, whether it's in Iran or in the United States. Hatred of illegal immigrants, Muslims or Democrats. Hatred for our president, and don't even bring up the vice president! Hatred of gays, hatred of liberals or hatred of Republicans and fundamentalists. Name a cause, a tenet, a doctrine, an opinion, a position, a group... there's someone out there ready to hold up a sign and start picketing against it.
If we aren't careful, hatred will creep in and start killing us, too.

"But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes."

1 John 2:11

Image by isazappy via Flickr

After several weeks of trying to answer the question, "How do I become a Tink?" (short of putting on wings), I think I've dug down to the core difference between a Wendy and a Tinker Bell.

Throughout the story of Peter Pan, Wendy tries to live up to the image of the perfect wife and mother. She's really just replicating her own family life. (Ew. Have you done that?) In Neverland, she tells stories, darns socks, sweeps the floor, tells everyone where to sleep, and doles out medicine.

"She loved to give them medicine, and undoubtedly gave them too much. Of course it was only water, but it was out of a bottle, and she always shook the bottle and counted the drops, which gave it a certain medicinal quality."

It's her determination to play mother that comes between her and Peter. Peter doesn't mind if she mothers the Lost Boys. In fact, that's part of the reason he was convinced she'd be useful to him in Neverland. But when Wendy tries to mother Peter, and insists that Peter must change his ways, he rebels, and Wendy and the Lost Boys end up in the clutches of the vile Captain Hook.

Is Wendy's effort to change Peter, to make him grow up, the root of the problem? No. Although any woman who's ever been in a relationship with any member of the opposite sex--from boyfriend, to husband, to son--knows that getting a man to change is the equivalent of beating your head against the walls of an elevator and hoping it will move to the right floor. The real problem lies in Wendy. Wendy isn't really living. She's playing a marvelous game of pretend, and the people around her fill the roles she's created in her mind. Wendy doesn't really love Peter. He merely fills a role in her little melodrama. When he refuses to cooperate, she's terribly disappointed.

In contrast, Tinker Bell is really living. She's not playing, not trying to live up to some ideal--human or fairy. Tinker Bell's sense of identity isn't dependent on Peter and the Lost Boys. She's a fairy/woman who knows what she wants and gets it.

"But there was one recess in the wall, no larger than a bird-cage, which was the private apartment of Tinker Bell. It could be shut off from the rest of the house by a tiny curtain, which Tink, who was most fastidious, always kept drawn when dressing or undressing. No woman, however large, could have had a more exquisite boudoir and bed-chamber combined. The couch, as she always called it, was a genuine Queen Mab, with club legs; and she varied the bedspreads according to what fruit-blossom was in season. Her mirror was a Puss-in-Boots, of which there are now only three, unchipped, known to fairy dealers; the washstand was Pie-crust and reversible, the chest of drawers an authentic Charming the Sixth, and the carpet and rugs the best (the early) period of Margery and Robin. There was a chandelier from Tiddlywinks for the look of the thing, but of course she lit the residence herself. Tink was very contemptuous of the rest of the house, as indeed was perhaps inevitable, and her chamber, though beautiful, looked rather conceited, having the appearance of a nose permanently turned up."

Peter's foolish actions often aggravate Tinker Bell. Throughout the story, her most frequent statement to Peter is, "You silly ass." No wonder she never speaks in the Disney version! Peter's attention to Wendy annoys Tink, but you get the impression she knows his fascination with Wendy will soon fade, for the "great, ugly Wendy-bird" is merely another of his distractions. Tink is fully aware of Peter's faults, but she does nothing to fix him. Why? Because she loves him. Really loves him. Unconditionally.

I know. That rankles. The notion that we should love the defective people in our lives without trying to fix them is contrary to some basic sense of feminine law. But it's that dogged determination to rearrange the people around us that triggers our self-defeating Wendy behavior and leaves us exhausted, bitter, and resentful.

Wendy takes care of everyone else.
Tinker Bell takes care of herself first.

Does this mean that you need to become a selfish, conceited, child-neglecting wife and mother? Not at all. But it does mean you'll stop putting yourself last, because you are a daughter of the most high God. It means you'll stop thinking about what HE or THEY (spouse, kids, neighbors, parents, coworkers) want without even considering what YOU would like.

It means you'll go buy some new underwear for yourself before you're down to raggedy elastic and you won't feel guilty about it. How many women feel guilty for taking a nap? Have you EVER met a man who felt guilty for taking a nap? It means that when you catch yourself feeling resentful about things like housework, running errands, or having sex, you'll stop and check your motives. Are you doing those things to satisfy your identity crisis? To try and gain someone's approval? What about the things you secretly wish you could do but haven't tried? What's stopping you?

What would Tinkerbell do? I challenge you to ask yourself that question in those situations where Wendy behavior has crept in and either left you disappointed, resentful, or trapped in some twisted game of pretend. Take off the Wendy nightie and put on your Tinkerbell outfit, and start living!

Step 2 in Becoming Tinker Bells is to read or listen to the original story of "Peter Pan" by J.M. Barrie. It's available free at www.gutenberg.org as an e-book or an audio book.
"Why," you ask, "should I read a children's story in order to change my behavior? " Because in order to change your Wendy-ness, you must first recognize what it is! We'll spend some time looking at Wendy-ish characteristics, and then we'll take a look at Tinker Bell.

• Wendy is charmed by Peter.

"Boy," she said courteously, "why are you crying?"
Peter could be exceeding polite also, having learned the grand manner at fairy ceremonies, and he rose and bowed to her beautifully. She was much pleased, and bowed beautifully to him from the bed.

• Wendy takes great pleasure in her ability to take care of Peter.
  

Fortunately she knew at once what to do. "It must be sewn on," she said, just a little patronisingly.
"What's sewn?" he asked.
"You're dreadfully ignorant."
"No, I'm not."
But she was exulting in his ignorance. "I shall sew it on for you, my little man," she said, though he was tall as herself, and she got out her housewife [sewing bag], and sewed the shadow on to Peter's foot.

• Wendy secretly admires the Tinker Bells of the world.

She gave him a look of the most intense admiration, and he thought it was because he had run away, but it was really because he knew fairies. Wendy had lived such a home life that to know fairies struck her as quite delightful. She poured out questions about them, to his surprise, for they were rather a nuisance to him, getting in his way and so on, and indeed he sometimes had to give them a hiding [spanking]. Still, he liked them on the whole, and he told her about the beginning of fairies.

• Wendy's playing a little "grown-up" game. Peter isn't.

"Yes," said cunning Peter, "but we are rather lonely. You see we have no female companionship."

"Are none of the others girls?"

"Oh, no; girls, you know, are much too clever to fall out of their prams."

This flattered Wendy immensely. "I think," she said, "it is perfectly lovely the way you talk about girls; John there just despises us."

For reply Peter rose and kicked John out of bed, blankets and all; one kick. This seemed to Wendy rather forward for a first meeting, and she told him with spirit that he was not captain in her house. However, John continued to sleep so placidly on the floor that she allowed him to remain there. "And I know you meant to be kind," she said, relenting, "so you may give me a kiss."

• Wendy's attraction is not so much to Peter, but to the whole notion of being needed. And he knows it, and uses it against her from the get-go.

"Where are you going?" she cried with misgiving.

"To tell the other boys."

"Don't go Peter," she entreated, "I know such lots of stories."

Those were her precise words, so there can be no denying that it was she who first tempted him.

He came back, and there was a greedy look in his eyes now which ought to have alarmed her, but did not.

"Oh, the stories I could tell to the boys!" she cried, and then Peter gripped her and began to draw her toward the window.

"Let me go!" she ordered him.

"Wendy, do come with me and tell the other boys."

Of course she was very pleased to be asked, but she said, "Oh dear, I can't. Think of mummy! Besides, I can't fly."

"I'll teach you."

"Oh, how lovely to fly."

"I'll teach you how to jump on the wind's back, and then away we go."

"Oo!" she exclaimed rapturously.

"Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars."

"Oo!"

"And, Wendy, there are mermaids."

"Mermaids! With tails?"

"Such long tails."

"Oh," cried Wendy, "to see a mermaid!"

He had become frightfully cunning. "Wendy," he said, "how we should all respect you."

She was wriggling her body in distress. It was quite as if she were trying to remain on the nursery floor.

But he had no pity for her.

"Wendy," he said, the sly one, "you could tuck us in at night."

"Oo!"

"None of us has ever been tucked in at night."

"Oo," and her arms went out to him.

"And you could darn our clothes, and make pockets for us. None of us has any pockets."

How could she resist. "Of course it's awfully fascinating!" she cried. "Peter, would you teach John and Michael to fly too?"

"If you like," he said indifferently...

In my last post (Nice Girls Don't Win), I introduced the idea that Veronica/Tinkerbell types win at the game of life, while Betty/Wendy types end up with a Jughead or a collection of lost boys

What if you want to shed your Wendybird ways, but you don't know how to make the switch? We're going to explore those steps in this series of blog posts.

First, let's locate the behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that repress your God-designed Tinkerbell self. Whoa! God-ordained Tinkerbells? Did that just knock your religious hat askew? Good.

Close your eyes and picture Betty and/or Wendy. Now put up a split-screen in your brain and insert your stereotypical "good" Christian woman. Don't be surprised if the two images have disturbing similarities. It's a lie most of us have bought into--even non-Christian women fall into the trap, because it's part of the fall of man.

Genesis 1-3 tells the story of creation. God formed man from the dust of the earth and set him in the Garden of Eden to "tend and keep it." And God looked, and said, "It is not good that man should be alone..." (excuse my creative license here) "... and I will make him a woman to clean up after him, to cover for his mistakes, to pet his fragile male ego, to make sure he doesn't ever have to worry about anything because she will take care of it all so he doesn't have to."

That is NOT what God said. But that's the kind of rubbish we've bought into. God didn't say man needed a sex slave, a maid, a cook, a lawyer, or a doormat. What did God say? He said He would make for the man "a helper comparable to him." The Hebrew language indicates an equal--although different--partner, not someone of less value or worth. You could go so far as to say a helper comparable is the flip side of the coin. Opposite but the same. Conjoined parts of a whole.

God created the "helper comparable" differently than he created the man. The Hebrew words indicate He "formed" the man, but He BUILT the woman (see Gen. 2:22).
You can "form" something without much thought, but to build something you need a plan. You form a casserole, but you build a wedding cake. You, ladies, are built!

Before the fall man and woman were called Ish and Ishshah. After the fall, they became Adam and Eve. What's the difference? Ishshah is the feminine counterpart of Ish, all that is male. The names convey nobility, dignity, and strength. However, after their introduction to sin, Ish became Adam (generic term for human, used for men of low degree). And Adam gave Ishshah a new name: Eve (mother of my children.) He stopped referring to her by her God-given design and limited her to her function.

Here's the root of the problem. We've jumped right into that assigned role and expanded and enlarged it to the point we've forgotten we were (are) Ishshah in God's design, not Eve!

Wing Step 1: Change your internal identification. Eve represents your function in this earth, as wife or mother or employee or whatever. But you are not what you DO. Begin to think of yourself as an Ishshah -- noble, dignified, and strong--for that is WHO you are.

Practical Assignment: For the rest of the week, everytime you see your reflection in a mirror or a window, or your computer screen, say "Hi, Ishshah." It sounds crazy, I know. But it will incite a paradigm shift in your thinking.
YOU are noble, dignified, and strong.
YOU are loved by your creator.
More than you know.

(Photo from Flickr @ http://tinyurl.com/qq8ktf)